The Complete Picture

Leah started preschool this year. We recently had our first parent-teacher conference and as the teacher was telling me about the things that Leah enjoys doing, I interrupted and asked, “Leah who?” The kid she was talking about was almost certainly not my kid.

I’ve had the feeling since Mike died that there was a big part of him that I never really knew. I recently met with another woman who was widowed at a young age 5 years ago and after her husband’s death, she compiled letters and stories from all the different people in his life so that her young children would know their dad. I love the idea of this, as if it fills in the blanks of what people might have seen of him that I did not.

I participated in less than half of Mike’s life. It wasn’t until after he’d died that I ever got to see his baby pictures, that I sat and talked with his friends from high school, that I got to know the close friends he’d developed on long commutes on the VRE and at work—people with whom he spent far more time during the week than he did with Leah and me.

I saw him interact with his family from time to time and with our daughter, but who was he when I wasn’t around? I have spoken with several people who have asked the question, “Did he talk about me much? What did he say about this situation?” Sometimes I can tell them, sometimes I can’t. A message on Facebook said recently, “I’d like to have heard more about our impact on Mike.” I couldn’t respond. I don’t know.

I remember him as a lovable goofball, intensely devoted to me and Leah, only slightly less devoted to the Patriots and ketchup, intensely patriotic, and I never knew anyone who loved their life more. He had a lousy singing voice but it never stopped him from singing loud and proud, he had a wonderfully strong New England accent that I always loved listening to and caused a few funny misunderstandings, he liked to write cheesy poetry, he had a memory like a steel trap and could tell you just about anything about anyone he’d ever met, down to the date and time, he liked to play practical jokes, he hated vegetables, and he had a heart of solid gold.

That’s not the person they knew at the office. It’s not the person they knew in high school. It’s not the person Leah knew, or Mike’s sisters knew, or his friends knew.

I am now collecting stories about Mike from everyone who’s willing to participate, but I feel sad that it’s all just vignettes and pieces of that beautiful human being, who was so much more than a story and who took it all with him in the end.

Updates, Thoughts, Questions, Feelings, Blah

So it’s been another month come and gone.  Christmas is over, I think I finally got everything put away about a week ago!  Seriously, every year I find something that I ‘forgot’ to put away and it makes me crazy.  This year was 2 big wall hangings.  How I forgot to put the one by the back door away, I don’t know, particularly considering that I could see it every time I left the house, but it never occurred to me that it was Christmas related, I guess.

School is settling into the doldrums.  The ethics class is fascinating and leading to good discussions.  I was really jazzed about the archives class, but it’s turning out to be a total fizzler.  There are more than 20 of us in the class, we’re all supposed to post every week and respond, and on a good week, we’re lucky to pull together 12 comments.  I suppose this should make it easy to get an A, all I have to do is really light up the message boards, but there isn’t much to respond TO and the readings are so dreadfully dull, I feel totally unmotivated.  I spoke with my advisor on the phone a couple of weeks ago and he’s pushing me into an archives track, which is fine and probably which way I will end up, but based on this class, I’m thinking about renegging on the whole thing.  This summer I’m dedicating my time to the research methods class and then will have my core classes done.  In the fall, I will take introduction to digital collections and some other class that I can’t remember off the top of my head.  If I still like it, then I guess next year I’ll start looking around for internship possibilities, even if that means putting my baby in day care!  YIKES!  My mom needs to get off the stick and move north.  I really, really dislike distance learning.  It was so nice to talk on the phone to an actual human being, and coming from someone who HATES talking on the phone, that’s saying something.

In Leah news…  She is actively dismissing becoming “a big girl”.  Today marked the day I finally decided she didn’t need to be in a crib any more, and I took the front of the crib off and converted it to a toddler bed.  She screamed and cried and yelled at me furiously.  “Mommy!  NO BREAK MY BED!”  Tonight when it was time to get into bed, she was still incensed.  We are down to our last pacifier and I am not buying any more.  She’s been biting through them and I am just mortified that she still uses one.  I swore she would NEVER use one from the day she was born and here she is nearly 3 and it’s her thing.  She doesn’t have a favorite stuffed animal or a blanket, but that stupid pacifier is her thing.

I registered her for pre-school earlier in the month.  She is going to go 2 days a week, even though I wanted her to go 3.  That was more selfish on my part.  I think pragmatically it’s best that she ease herself into it.  She really liked the super expensive corporate day care preschools and she hated the preschool I wound up putting her into, but I felt good about the teachers, the atmosphere, and the kids who go there all seemed happy.  They had a good, diverse mix of kids, and it is a Montessori program that we can actually afford.  Her little friends Jilly and Anna will be going there as well, so I’m excited she will have friendly faces to look for.

Consequently, I have to get her potty trained and she flatly refuses to do it.  She knows how, she knows when, she just doesn’t want to.  I’m going to try a couple new things and see if they work.  Thankfully we still have 7 months until the rubber meets the road, but it would be nice not to have to lug diapers everywhere we go. 

She has given up on dance lessons for the time being, much to my dismay, but as I listened to myself talk to my mother about my feelings on that matter, I realized that I am really trying to overcompensate in not having had children for so long by pushing Leah to do and have everything.  I was saying “But I want her to…” a lot and that really has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her.  She is perfectly happy to spend her days at home with me, playing and reading and having fun.  We take little adventures as the weather permits and recent conversations with an expert have led me to realize that Leah’s crazy behavior stems from a desire to have choices and be included in decision making, so many times I let her choose between 2 things and decide what she wants to do for the day.  I also let her choose to get ready.  Today was the first time in FOREVER that I didn’t chase her all over the house to get dressed, and she very calmly and serenely let me put her shirt and pants on her and when I opened the back door, she placidly walked to the car and waited to have the door opened instead of tearing around the backyard, cackling while I try to catch her.  It was a banner day until I “broke her bed”.

In other non-Leah news, today I got a letter in the mail that I did. not. want. to. open.  It was from Manhattan and was the dates for my 15 year college reunion.  Jeepers, has it really been that long!?  This led me to indulge in my once-a-year-or-less Google binge of people who have been and gone in my life.  There are 2 men in particular who I always think of and Googling one brings up nothing and Googling the other brings up almost too much.  They were both people I thought would be in my life forever, both people I could talk to and laugh with about anything.  I suppose in thinking about them now, it’s not with a sense of “What If?”, but a different kind of nostalgia.  I have looked for other friends and reconnected with some who responded and some who didn’t, and I think, “Why?  What makes the difference?”  Anyway, I’m not going to my reunion and I only Google for my own nosiness, not out of any general sense that I would make different choices.  I look over the grand arch of my life and I think I’ve done pretty well.  There are few things, if any, I would change and I think my choices have stood the test of time.  So I’m not going to the reunion.  Every time I get together with Joe, it’s like a mini college experience—my husband and his partner are kind enough to look the other way while we play dorky drinking games and giggle over the same stupid crap that made us laugh 17 years ago and makes us laugh today.  I’m in touch with my good roommate on Facebook, and Joe’s housemate Todd, and everyone else would be able to find me with a quick Google search, so I just let it lie.  But I’m happy to hear from anyone :)  Just in case, you know, you ever Google me.

I’ve thought of many of my friends in the past months, wondering, “If it wasn’t for Factor X, would we still be friends?”  For instance, if we didn’t have Leah, would we still be friends?  I don’t know, I have a sense that some people just hang around because Leah’s so cute.  Mike and I were talking at dinner about some neighbors who suddenly seem to be giving us the cold shoulder and our confusion as to why that is exactly.  It is hard to get out and around any more—when Leah was a baby, it was easy.  No resistance, she was like, “Yeah, I’ll go eat lunch at thus and such, I’ll just sit in my carrier and eat my fist", but now requires entertainments.  Still, now that I’m cutting back on other commitments, I will make an effort to be a better friend.

The big news is that I dropped out of my book club.  It wasn’t going in any direction that made sense to me and I found myself getting increasingly frustrated and upset about the whole thing.  During the last meeting, I just sat there with no one saying anything and thought, “This is such a waste of my time”.  I had been thinking it over for a year and finally just decided to pull my own plug on the matter.  I also gave up on AFS and being a liaison.  Right after I got back from my dad’s house, I spent all day Saturday running up to an AFS interviewing event.  I interviewed 3 kids and hung out a bit with a couple members of the area team who were pretty open about how things have been going and I don’t think there are too many kids left in the original homes they came to this year.  When I got home, we had a big email about all the things we were supposed to be doing as liaisons that weren’t getting done, and I just decided I really couldn’t handle it all on top of the classwork and being a mom and a wife, so I drafted up a resignation and sent it out.  It was an immense relief, although a bit of a disappointment in myself not to follow through on my commitment to the girls.  But it was a bigger challenge not to follow through on my commitments at home.  SO I chose the lesser of two evils.  I have offered and they have accepted that I can take them out once more before they depart.  Given that it’s February and I already have no free weekends until May, I’m not sure when that will be, but we’ll work it out.

Leah’s 3rd birthday is upcoming.  Her big present is that we are going to see the Fresh Beat Band in concert in DC.  She has no idea, but I got her the CD the other day and she goes CRAZY when it’s on, dancing all over the place.  If you haven’t seen her video on Facebook, you are missing out.  Friend me. :)  We are having her party on March 31 since her birthday falls on Easter Sunday this year.  My mom is coming up for Easter and my sisters-in-law are coming for the party, so I’m excited about that.  It’ll be nice to have both families around to celebrate. 

Mike and I are leaving on April 14th to go to Myrtle Beach for a week. Dad and Linda are coming to babysit Leah for us here at home while we relax and celebrate TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE. And they said it’d never last.  Pfff.  Well, actually I don’t know if anyone did say that, but if they did, they were wrong.  Hard to believe it’s been that long and how much has happened in those 10 years!  New homes, new states, new kids, new friends, new lives!  Jeepers.  (That’s my new word as I am really, really working on not cussing now that Leah’s favorite word when something goes wrong is, “Damnit!”  Although, come to think of it, I don’t say that, so I don’t know where she gets it).  I’m hoping to enjoy a couple of tours and different attractions in SC.  We’ve been to Myrtle Beach so many times that it seems like home, but it’s really one of my favorite places ever.  Still, it’d be nice to see what’s in the area besides what we already know.

Well, I’m rambling, so I’m going to close here and go to bed.  My Lenten “thing” is to go to bed early and to meditate for 15 minutes a day in an effort to relieve some of the stress I feel.  I haven’t managed to meditate once, but I have been going to bed earlier, so there’s always that.  Until tonight when I suddenly felt ramble-y.  So good night and I’ll be back with more another day!  :)  And don’t forget to get in touch if you’re a long lost friend!

Updates from Susan-Land

It’s been a busy few weeks.  It’s hard to believe we have less than 40 days now until Penny leaves us.  There were times we never thought this time would come, and now here we are in many ways dreading the fact that she has to leave at all!  It will be an interesting summer, though, and we have a lot planned, so I think we’ll have some fun.

The big news this past few weeks has been that we had to have our beloved little bunny, TomTom, put to sleep.  He started acting a little punky and out of it and then just started smelling really bad, and finally had a hard time moving at all.  I took him to the vet last week and she said that he was having kidney issues and they could try to nurse him through it, but there were no guarantees and it would be kinder just to let him go.  For all the kidding around we’ve done in recent years about waiting for him to die so we could install bookshelves in his spot downstairs, it was incredibly sad and painful to bid him farewell.  This picture was taken when he was about 4 months old, and he lived to be 6, so he had a good, long life.  I know living in his pen in the basement wasn’t his favorite place to be, but we did the best we could by him, and I think as long as we gave him carrots and whatnot, he was happy.

I am busy now with two major goals, the first of which is finishing off everything I need to do in order to start school this summer.  This includes completing a checklist of things they have on the school website for the summer course I’m taking, as well as the nuts and bolts, like applying for a loan, making travel arrangements, getting the text book, getting tested for immunity to measles, and making arrangements for where I’m going to stay.  I’ve got an email address set up now for my school stuff, so I can say I’m official, and now that the bill is in, I guess I’m really going.  The worst part of it has been dealing with my doctor’s office, trying to figure out about how I can get tested for a measles immunity.  Despite my repeated phone calls, they haven’t called back, so finally I called the clinic in Central Park here in Fredericksburg and they can do the test and have the papers ready in 2 days.  I should have gone there 3 weeks ago!

The other major thing is working on getting Leah potty trained.  She has indicated a readiness and willingness for the task, as for the past couple of months, she’s gotten very upset when her diaper is wet or dirty, and tries to get it off.  If she can’t, she screams and cries pitifully.  We’ve been at it almost 2 weeks now, and she’s definitely getting the hang of it.  She likes earning little rewards and she loves wearing underpants instead of a diaper.  So I think we’re making good progress.

Last weekend, Paul Burrell, Princess Diana’s butler, came into Fredericksburg to help raise funds for the new children’s museum they are hoping to build here.  Of course I jumped at the chance to go meet him and brought Penny along as her opportunity to meet a celebrity.  We had a great time—he got right on the floor with Leah, and Penny was so happy that I talked her into going back and getting herself a book signed and asking him about the royal wedding.

Penny has developed an interest in the British Royal family thanks to my tutelage, so it was kind of special to share in that after we watched the Royal Wedding together and I taught her some tea sandwiches and scones to make English tea, which we did for both the Royal Wedding and for Mother’s Day.

Today we rolled down to Westmoreland Berry Patch to pick berries and play with goats.  She LOVED it this year, as opposed to last year when she really wanted nothing to do with it.  She sat in the mud happily mashing and eating berries and then we fed the goats and had lunch.  They give you a handful of corn or a handful of goat feed for a quarter, and she was determined that the goat was not getting more than one niblet at a time, and even then he’d have to pry it from her fingers, but the goat was quite patient and happily ate whatever she was willing to give without biting.

I have been penpalling a lot lately, and have new penpals from England, Australia, New Zealand, Portugal, and Switzerland.  It’s a lot of fun and very interesting, and helping me travel vicariously, since I’m not likely to go too many places between now and who knows when!  One of my Australian penpals friended me on Facebook and it is hilarious to see her snow pictures while I’m gearing up to roast off a few pounds here with summer kicking off.

Otherwise, we’ve been sticking close to home.  Gas prices being what they are, I’ve canceled our summer travel plans and am now making plans for things we can do locally.  This past week I only used one tank of gas, which for me is astounding, since I was going through 2 a week.  We are enjoying Toddlin’ Time and MOPS, and at the MOPS event on Sunday, they were talking to me about putting Leah in pre-school this fall, which I am still thinking about.  I’ve been leaning away from doing it, but at the same time, it would give me a couple of days a week to get schoolwork done, as well as allowing her the chance to socialize and learn some things…  So we’ll see.  I would like to take her to the Richmond Zoo and Ginter Gardens this summer, and we’ll go up to DC to Mike’s new office and to meet his co-workers.  My old office is having a party next week and I’m going to go to that.  My book clubs are still going strong, and I’m enjoying them both.  Zipping around a lot with Penny now that she’s gotten more involved in school and friends.  She really enjoyed the prom last weekend, and this weekend is having Korean food with friends, volunteering at a local 5K, and wants to go see Pirates of the Caribbean.  Monday night, Mike will be out visiting some friends from RI who are coming to town, so we girls are going to have a little girls’ night, and I know she also wants to go to Charlottesville again, as well as go berry picking.  Last night was her last choir concert, tonight she has to go to an improv show for her school.  So it’s a busy time for all of us!

This summer, I’m going to go enjoy my first concert at Celebrate Virginia Live, when Barenaked Ladies roll into town.  I’m also hoping to get to see Hello Dolly over at Riverside.  I’m really excited to go to Tucson, and also to swim, spend time with friends, and start planning my dad’s 60th in September.

That’s all for now!  The fun never ends! :-D

Ready for a Break

This past two months has been tiring with all the business going on with my arm, but the past several weeks have been a nightmare of activity!!! 

Tonight, I am sitting in the basement coloring in price tags so they’re the correct color for the upcoming consignment sale at which I plan to sell of a bunch of baby clothes that either got dumped here in May or else were Leah’s.  So I spent last night sorting clothes and today Cindy came over and we re-sorted and tagged most of it.  Since she’s left, I’ve gotten all but the 0-3 month clothes tagged and bagged.  Which means as soon as I think I’m done, I’ll find stuff I missed.

This week we had a lot of appointments.  Penny had 2 events at school plus a meeting with her AFS liaison, and I had 3 medical appointments for my arm.  After my last orthopedist appointment on Thursday, I noticed Leah had developed some sort of rash around her mouth and wound up taking her to the doctor.  Fortunately, she is fine and has nothing more than a bad cold.  Unfortunately, she has shared the cold with her big sister, so now both girls are miserable and stuck in bed.  Happily, on my own health front, I have completed physical therapy successfully (and made a new friend in the process!) and have been discharged from the orthopedist.  I am allowed to lift up to 30 pounds and drive again (little did they know!).  The risk of re-dislocating my elbow is slim to none.  It would have to be another gross act of stupidity on my part.  So that’s a huge relief to know, although I am not terribly graceful so it’s possible I could do something else idiotic at any moment!

All this week, The Chief has been taking a class up at Quantico.  He has had to go in early, which means he has had to take the train, which means I’ve had to get up early to drive over there.  I thought today would be the last day, but unfortunately for me, his regular driver will be on a much-deserved vacation until Wednesday, so Tuesday, which is Penny’s first day of school and Leah’s first day of school (I’ve signed her up for Toddlin’ Time, a local music and exercise Mommy N Me program here in town), I also have to squeeze in a ride to and from the train station.

Housekeeping, needless to say, has fallen by the wayside.  I managed to get the rabbit cleaned out this week and I cleaned out the fridge.  Other than that: nothing.  Which means I have a lot of catching up I need to do. 

Recently, a link to The Introvert's Corner appeared on a new friend’s Facebook page.  I read over a lot of it, and really related to the idea that my energy comes from internally, meaning I need time to myself to recharge my batteries and be the best me I can be.  Keeping up with my family has not afforded me much opportunity to do so!  I admit, I am loving every minute of having Penny here, and I do think I’m going to feel a little bit (ok, a lot bit) lost come Tuesday when she boards the big yellow school bus and heads off to school.  But I am looking forward to getting Leah back on a schedule that allows me to have an hour or two each day to myself.  I am exhausted.

It’s funny, but all this has turned my thoughts towards family and expansion.  I have 3 friends right now who are pregnant and expecting early next year.  2 of them already have young children at home, and 2 of their children are not much older than Leah is.  And I’ll be honest, there is nothing in this world that could entice me right now to take on a newborn.  I think, “My God, you must be crazy!”  Leah is at a stage right now where she does not give a damn about toys or TV.  There are 3 things in the world that make her happy:  running through the house in her shoes, playing with buckets of water on the back porch, and taking walks around the neighborhood.  Period.  The idea that I could go back to getting up every 2 hours with a newborn and then have to chase around an extremely active toddler all day appeals to me not one bit.

Not to mention the fact that The Chief has been busily applying for jobs in the DC area and informed me that if he gets one, I’ll have to take him to the train every morning.  Thus did I immediately think of Steve Martin in the movie Parenthood when he utters the phrase, “My whole life is have to”.

My neighbor Lisa and I were walking today with the kids and talking about how everyone is asking about the long weekend and who’s doing what, and how every day and every weekend is the exact same to us, and what would we even dream of doing with a 3 day weekend.  I would check into a hotel on a beach, someplace warm and sunny.  In the morning, I’d get up and have my nice continental breakfast, go change into a swimsuit and shorts, grab a book, sit by the water and pretend to read while I actually slept for about 3 hours, during which time someone else would clean up my living space.  Then I’d get up and have a nice lunch somewhere nearby that I didn’t have to drive to, head back to my newly clean room and fall asleep for another 4 or 5 hours, get up, walk somewhere else for dinner, head down to the beach, call a friend or family member, and then go up and sleep some more.  I would probably feel incredibly guilty the entire time, but I’d do it.

Anyway, I think all this fatigue and chasing and food in my hair and the actual work of parenting, which you don’t really believe in until your baby is here, has helped assuage some of my ongoing feelings of grief over our infertility.  Or at least I no longer think “WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!” when I hear someone else is expecting.  I think, “Sucker!” :-D  But I would not trade either my toddler or my teen for all the tea in China.  I love them both dearly.

So now I am going back up to the living room to finish sorting and tagging and then will hit the hay.  Tomorrow is another weigh in and the farmers market and then I might just put The Chief in charge while I take a long nap.  Have I always had this history of biting off more than I can chew, but managing to get it done anyway?  Don’t answer that! :-D

A Trip Home

So this past weekend we spent in Northern New York for my dad’s retirement bash.  We decided to go up Wednesday night instead of Thursday night, since it is a long drive (550 miles to be exact) to only go for one day.  I picked Michael up at Quantico and we got as far as Winchester before deciding to stop so that Leah could get the screeches out.  We stopped in at SuperWalmart and had dinner at the McDonald’s in there, and picked up a few things we needed for the trip before getting back on the road.  It turned out to be a wise decision since by the time we got back in the car, got gas, and hit I81, it was 7pm, which is Leah’s bed time. She was soon snoring softly in the back seat and we had a pretty good drive.

A voice in my head kept on telling me that I would be able to drive all the way home but I really didn’t want to entirely.  Around midnight, we were in Cortland NY and I was feeling tired, so we decided to stop at a Day’s Inn.  I went in and agreed to pay the rate (despite the fact they tacked on a $5 surcharge for a handicapped accessible room, which is ILLEGAL as hell).  I gathered up my little family and we went into the hotel.  Red flags immediately went up.  There were a bunch of half-naked people loitering in the hallways and the smell of pot was hanging heavy around us.  I tried the swipe card and nothing.  I tried the other swipe card, and we still couldn’t get in.  Leah was soaked and groggy, I was tired and pissed off, and Mike had to pee.  (haha!)  So I went back to the desk and asked to please have the keys reprogrammed.  Went back to the room, and we still couldn’t get in. 

I am ordinarily a calm person, but at 12:30, I was kinda not in the mood, you know?  The potheads were milling about, the TV’s were blaring, the people in the room next door to us had posted a sign on their door that said, “This is not the hang out room tonight” which appeared to have had exactly zero effect on anyone, so I grabbed Mike, we went out to the desk, I put the keys down and said, “There is no way we are staying here.”  The clerk look stunned.  She asked what was wrong and I said between the noise and the drugs, we were not subjecting our infant to that nonsense.  Two of the homies came ambling through at that point and she called out to them, “Hey, are you guys smoking weed in the hallway?”  They replied, “Not in the hallway” and started laughing like Beavis and Butthead. 

The clerk says she doesn’t know how to process our refund, so we need to call the manager in the morning (I’ve called the hotel several times now, no one seems to know anything about it, but Days Inn Corporate is about to get an earful, I can promise you).  We get in the car, I clean up Leah and her seat, and we get driving again.  I said to Mike that we were only about 30 miles from Syracuse, so it was no big deal to get up there and then we could try finding somewhere else to stay over.  By now it was nearly 1AM.  So we drive to Syracuse, and I was thinking about the money we had already paid to the hotel we didn’t stay in and the room we didn’t even get to see and I said to Mike, “Well, it’s only 2 hours home.”  He starts telling me I’m crazy, but I really couldn’t see stopping at that point.  It was all landmarks I knew, which was going to make the trip a lot quicker.  So we just drove home.  We roared in at 3AM, and I had a moment of panic in that I wasn’t sure if my dad would have left the house open or not, but lady luck smiled on me and I was able to get in.  I put Leah on the guest bed for about 30 seconds while I set up her portable crib and the minute she was in that, she was stretched out and snoring.  Mike and I crawled into the big guest bed and passed out.  I don’t think we even said goodnight to each other.  It was 3:30AM.

What seemed like seconds after I fell asleep, all hell broke loose with banging and clanging and crashing coming from the front of the house.  I sit bolt upright in bed.  Michael and Leah slept on undisturbed.  It was 6:30AM.  I knew it was my dad, who is not known for being gentle.  I use the bathroom and then I decide to open the hallway door.  As I do, I hear his chair fly back as he leaps to his feet and I peek around the corner to find him standing behind the dining room table, his fist locked and loaded, ready to lay me flat.  It took him a second to realize who it was and then he just couldn’t believe it.  It was kind of hilarious.

We had some bagels and talked for a while, then Leah got up and then Michael got up.  We were all up by about 8:30.  My dad still wanted to go out to Watertown to do some shopping, but I didn’t feel like getting back in the car, so we let him go.  The three of us spent the morning puttering around the house, napping, and then we drove up around the lake to see what was new in town.  I’m glad I do this every time I go home, since you never know what is going to change.  Right now the hospital is under construction and the way it is now is not the way it looked for all the years I knew it.

We had lunch at the Hillside Diner, where Leah held court and I felt depressed that I didn’t know anyone in town any more, and then we went home and waited for my dad’s call to meet him up in Natural Bridge for ice cream. 

We had a pretty low key day after that—Dad made us his famous meatloaf and mac n cheese for dinner and then he and Michael watched the Mets and the Celtics games while I took a spin through Oswegatchie and went to bed early.  Friday we hung out outside most of the day.  The weather up there was beautiful and I told Dad I was moving up there for a month next summer.  It was so freeing to be outdoors and relaxed.  We had leftovers for lunch out on the back porch and then I got some chicken marinating since I offered to make dinner (grilled chicken). 

After dinner, Judy and her family showed up.  I don’t recall a whole lot else of what happened other than Leah and Dottie got each other wound up and then Leah proceeded to sleep like a champ.  In fact, she has slept through the night since we were up there.  She’s doing an amazing job at sleeping all of a sudden!

Saturday, I was still trying to catch up on sleep.  My dad’s friend Fred came over, but I missed him while I was napping.  Then his friend Bob came to the door and yelled, “Where the hell is George?!”  Dad and I both flew from our respective rooms like we’d been shot.  (No one is too concerned about sleeping babies!)  Dad grilled up some burgers and dogs for lunch and then we enjoyed our afternoon together before Dad headed to mass while we all got ready for the party.

The party itself was a lot of fun.  There were a ton of my old teachers there, some of whom I hadn't seen in years.  Dad gave a nice speech and a few people got up and said some really nice words about him and Bob, who is also retiring.  My dear friend Amy showed up, and I hadn’t seen her in 2 years, so it was cool to catch up.  My godfather, who I don’t recall seeing since I was in high school, was there.  Mrs. Collins, the school librarian, who greatly influenced my love of reading and libraries was there.  It was the greatest feeling.

All of a sudden, the heavens opened.  We got a massive thunderstorm.  There are no thunderstorms like thunderstorms in the Adirondacks.  The volume and fury, just amazing.  I loved it.  Fortunately it also cooled it off since it was a little bit humid up there.  Afterwards, Bob and his family and Amy came by the house for nachos and more celebrating.  I finally went to bed at 10:30ish.

Leah started making noises around 4:30, almost as if she knew we were leaving.  She really started squealing at 5:00, so we decided to get up and pack.  My dad heard us and got up and by 6:05, we were back on the road, heading south.  We were much earlier than planned, we didn’t plan to leave until around 7AM, but we were ready, so we pulled out.  I got kinda misty-eyed leaving, but I found a few treasures to bring back with me, including a book of nursery rhymes that my favorite uncle gave me on my first Christmas.  It is now safely tucked in Leah’s upper book shelves so I may share it with her, which thrills me to no end.

We decided to stop at the Wegman’s in Wilkes-Barre for lunch.  We got there at 10:30.  They were not serving lunch until 11:00, but Leah was a little car weary, so we decided to wait it out.  We got pizza right when it came out of the oven and the girl working the pizza counter could not have been more friendly.  She carried our food to the tables, got us a high chair, and even offered to get our drinks.  So on the way out, we left a comment at the management desk about her superior service.  I hope she gets a nice bonus or something for it.  She was amazing.

We got back in the car around 11:30, got gas and Leah did just great until we hit I66 in Virginia.  Then she started freaking.  I pulled over on the side of the road and fixed her a bottle, but that didn’t work.  She was just over it.  I kept promising her we were almost home and giving her a running count of the miles.  She settled down after we broke into silly songs and making faces at her.  She only freaked for about 20 minutes, so we were good.  We rolled into our driveway at 4:30pm.  I had just enough time to unload, change Leah, fix an extra bottle for her, and hopped back in the car to go on up to choir practice.

My heart was not in it, I must confess.  I swore I would leave early.  I swore I would not sing.  But once I got there, got through the warm ups, and started the rehearsal, I was in my element, exhausted though I was.  8:00 came very quickly, and then I hopped back in the car and roared off to the grocery store to pick up only what I needed to fix Michael’s lunch for Monday.  He called and asked me to grab him some dinner since he hadn’t eaten since 11:00 that morning, so I went through McD’s and got home.

And then the wind went out of my sails.  I had such a bad headache that even though I took extra strength Excedrin, it did nothing to touch it. I had gotten 3 letters from Penny and her mother, so I wanted to email them both back, which I did, but then I just went straight to bed.  I felt sick I was so tired.

Leah slept through the night, thank God, and she didn’t get up till about 7 this morning.  She was back in bed around 9:30 for a nap and I followed shortly thereafter at 10:00 this morning.  I laid there for about 5 minutes thinking, “I’m never going to fall asleep” but lo and behold I did and slept till 12:30.  Finally I felt human again.  We did some grocery shopping and spent some time out in the baby pool before Michael got home and we were able to have dinner and put Leah to bed.  We started reading a book together and now I am going back to bed!  It was an amazing weekend, but we had to be pretty crazy to do that much driving for only a couple of days.  I’m serious about staying up there for a while next summer.  It’ll be nice to have some downtime after Penny leaves and to enjoy some good weather.  Plus I’ll be able to actually visit with people for a while instead of 15 minutes here and there.  We’ll see how next summer shapes up.  If it’s anything like this summer, I haven’t got a prayer!

Stuff and Failure!

It has been a long couple of months... A lot of things have changed, both good and bad, and I am getting used to a lot of things being different and interesting and challenging and sometimes hard.

For instance, every single day with Leah is something new. There are days she wakes up and I think, "Who the heck are you!?" We are right on the verge of walking, I feel it in my bones. We've been going to the play park at the mall and I see her studying the other kids and really working for it. She's climbing steps now--she only goes up one or two, but man, that scares me! I can't turn my back on her for a second and she's up the basement steps. We put up the gate about a month ago, but if I forget to close it when I run up to get a drink or find the phone, bam! I come back and she is sitting there a step or two up, grinning ear to ear, considering making the rest of the journey.

Her little health scare with the heart murmur affected me more deeply than I care to admit. From the moment the nurse said something about it until we met with the cardiologist today, I have lived in a new kind of worry that I didn't know existed. Oh sure, since becoming a mom, there is the kind of generalized worry that I think most of us feel about our kids, but this was concrete "is my baby going to be OK?" worry. I pressed my ear to her chest about a thousand times this week, listening to her heart beat and praying. When Dr. Allen said, "This is the most minor heart murmur, I really had to concentrate to even hear it, don't worry and you don't need to come back", I could feel my shoulders dropping and the tears filling my eyes. I held it together until I got in the car and called my mom. Then I barely got out the words, "She's fine" before completely losing it (while hurtling down I-95 at 70 with a big truck behind me. Oh and it was raining.)

Today has not been a great day. She did not sleep well at all last night--she was up at 1:30, 3:30, and 6:30, which meant so was I. I've been going on the assumption that she is trying to pop out some molars, but then I remembered it's been 9 days since she had some vaccinations, and they said we could see the effects of those vaccinations 7-10 days out, so now I'm wondering if perhaps the crankiness is due to that more than teeth. It took us almost 2 hours to get her to sleep tonight. I have to say, when she grinned up at me when I held her and rocked her, I didn't mind so much. I just hope she sleeps tonight. I remember thinking last night, "How the heck did I do this a year ago!?" but she would sleep during the day, and so could I. Now she's a ball of fire. I swear, I was hanging out at the play park this afternoon like a zombie. I came home and slept for the better part of 2 hours. So of course, now it's midnight, and I can't sleep again! AUGH! I'm trying to decide if I should take Leah to the doctor or even call them tomorrow, but then with the teething, there's nothing they can do about it and if it's a reaction to the shots, we just have to wait it out...

The house is a bit of a shambles, but I am attempting to get back to it. When I think how utterly clean it was just a couple months ago, I'm a bit embarrassed I fell off the wagon. The Easter dinner followed by Leah's birthday party were two big events that just kind of swung things square into disasterland--tons of people helping out, putting things where I still haven't found them, everything getting moved, dirt and grass tromped in and out, food tucked into the back of the fridge. Leah is such a clotheshorse, I haven't done her laundry in over a month and she still has tons of outfits. I haven't done towels. The pile for the yard sale grows every larger.

Speaking of which, I'm thinking of having my yard sale on Saturday, May 1, weather permitting. If anyone would like to join me to make it a "multi family yard sale", please feel free. I would be happy to go elsewhere, except that I am thinking of selling some furniture, and I have no means of transporting it to anywhere other than my own yard. I have 3 folding tables, plus my dining room table, plus our spare dining table. You may need to bring your own tables and definitely some chairs... I'll provide coffee and donuts. :-) Let me know if you want to sell some stuff! Our neighborhood is usually pretty good for yard sales.

Anyway, my control journal is back out for FLYLady again, and I did two huge loads of laundry, lots of dishes, and have gathered up tons of trash today. I have a bunch of bags of "stuff" in the back of our car to drop off to my sister this weekend when I see her and then I'll be able to fill the car with garbage and haul it to the dump (yeah, like I'll have time for that this weekend too!). Still, I'm happy with how things are shaping up already, and just have a few areas of touch up before really getting into my routine again. I think it got so clean that I started thinking, "Oh, I can skip that this week, it's already plenty clean!" and that is the first pitfall on your way to disaster. Michael and I are presently debating the laundry issue. We've been using those new Purex sheets you may have seen advertised on TV. I thought they'd be a blind guy's best friend when doing the laundry, but a) they are kind of pricey and b) he doesn't like them (says the clothes don't smell fresh enough and he's not sure they're getting clean). Consequently today I went grocery shopping and picked up laundry soap, but I got the liquid, not the powder. He prefers the powder since it's easier to measure, but it's also $4 more expensive for 20 fewer loads. So now we are trying to come up with a system for him to use the liquid without making a huge mess all over the place. I don't know what we're going to do. We are thinking of trying a turkey baster that he could use to suck up the detergent and shoot it into the compartment for the washer. There's already hemming and hawing about whether that'll work or not, but it's the best idea we've had thus far.

We officially closed the door on the exchange student idea, unfortunately. My friend who is a coordinator is totally stressed out this year by the job and didn't seem able to follow through on the steps required to finish our application and get Caroline here, so we decided to ease her stress load and forgo the whole thing. We emailed the school and let them know of our decision, and hopefully now Caroline will be able to find a family quickly and enjoy her year.

This weekend is a biggie--I have choir rehearsal on Saturday morning and then my friend Kris is coming down from Springfield to have lunch. Saturday evening we have a 50th birthday party to attend in Burke. Sunday is the big concert, and I have to be at the concert site at 3:30 in the afternoon. This is going to make for a long day for Leah and Michael, so I decided to take Leah to rehearsal with me on Saturday to give him a little bit of a break. I don't know how that's going to work, but I do know I need the rehearsal time. If it doesn't pan out, I will simply have to leave rehearsal, but hopefully it'll be fine.

The exterior of the house is complete in terms of paint and shutters. I need to get a picture of the new shutters, but I am really happy with the end result. Hopefully our doors will get here soon and we'll be in business with this year's renovations. I have decided to take up mowing the lawn myself, since the kids out back are not interested in doing it. I need to take our mower in to get a new blade and then it should be operational. It'll be interesting trying to start it, I haven't started it up in a couple of years, so we'll see if it still runs. Otherwise, I'll go get a cheap mower, but there's a repair shop right around the corner that I'm going to take it to for the blade, since we've been through several without finding the right one. Then I will take a stab at mowing. I've never mowed before, but I have to say, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

The big thing from this week was the tire debacle. I don't know. As I blogged before, dealing with car issues is my biggest stressor, and this whole situation is exactly the reason why. When the tires first crapped out in December 2008, I did a ton of research on the web and calling around to various stores to try and find the blasted size this car required. Finally, the only place we could get them was at Firestone, and the guy at the Firestone dealer informed me that there were no high mileage tires in this size, the best I could get was a 30,000 mile tire. They cost me over $700. Ok, fine, I didn't figure I'd be doing 30,000 miles worth of driving in a year and half, but whoo boy, was I wrong! The majority of it was while my dad was sick last summer and we were going back and forth to Vermont every day and to Star Lake, and just getting to and from Plattsburgh. Then there were the weekly trips to Baltimore before Leah was born, all the driving to and from Maryland during the court proceedings, doctors appointments, etc and our appointments in Richmond. To say nothing of trips up north while I was still working, book club meetings, travels around town, leisure travel, etc. It's just been nutty. So of course, three of the four tires failed inspection, and one was on the verge of it. And the guy at the garage says to me that he can stick a high mileage tire on the car, made by a company other than Firestone, for the same price as the Firestone tires, and depending on how long we have the car, we may never need to buy another set of tires. So I ask you: Did I get screwed by Firestone? Or am I getting screwed by the inspection guy? I lean towards getting screwed by Firestone only because I have been going to this particular garage for inspections, etc for a long time and I do trust them there. But it REALLY pisses me off that one way or another, someone is not telling me the truth about tires and my car. We are also pissed about the sheer price of the things--$800 is more than we paid for the Myrtle Beach condo, and it more or less was a good hunk of our nest egg for the coming year that we had set aside out of our tax return. I do believe that we will be fine and dandy, honestly what's left to possibly break?, but it'd still be nice to have that money in the bank, just in case. Anyway, all that being said, it only adds to my stress level to get two radically different opinions about the tires, pay the same price for two radically different tires, and know that somewhere, someway, somehow, I was screwed by a mechanic. This only makes it that much worse the next time I have to have something done--the stress ratchets up again.

As for other aspects of life... Everyone keeps inquiring about the Weight Watchers stuff. I have more or less fallen off the wagon. I keep thinking about it, but by mid-day I'm done. I just don't care. I want the results without the work (haha, don't we all!?). There are so many pitfalls and temptations out there and there is a big part of me that is tired of resisting. As more and more people are more and more successful, I feel like more and more of a failure, which is making it harder and harder to even feel like trying. I am thrilled for other people's success, but it makes my own inability to commit that much harder to come to terms with. I know I can "just" get right back up on the horse and get going, but I am getting more and more depressed about the whole thing. I keep seeing May in the mirror--I joined in May of 2008, and I think that maybe I should recommit myself this May. I don't know. I keep making these arbitrary deadlines and they keep passing and I keep not doing anything. I just need to get my butt down to a meeting and get going. I just don't feel like it. I guess I need to have myself a good cry about the whole thing and then forgive myself, let the past go, and get started. It just sucks is all. I feel like a big fat failure and that is not the place from whence you can really start over. You need to feel some sense of "YES I CAN!" before you do. And I know I can, I just don't feel it.

There are a lot of things fallen by the wayside at the moment. 80 Plates, I don't know if I'll ever finish it. I get depressed just looking at the blog. I can't think of any other countries I'm dying to do and all the research I have done into it has been good, but it's a lot of work, and I am short on time. There are only so many pieces of the Susan pie to go around. And I suppose that is something I am struggling with a bit. What do I want to devote myself to? I sat down and made a list the other day of all the things I feel passionately about that I would like to do something about. For instance, every time I drive to the mall, I feel very badly about the homeless people out on Rte 3 begging for money, and I would love to do something about it. But what exactly? Michael did some research into volunteer opportunities for me to work with the homeless population here, but then I have to consider that this would require additional time away from my family, which puts the burden of childcare on him. And while Leah is finally starting to warm up to him, it is far from a smooth road at the moment, so it requires being willing to go out and just hope for the best while I'm gone, which robs me of some of the enjoyment I get from doing things. I would also love to be an AFS volunteer, a literacy volunteer, volunteer at the library, considering a part time job when Barnes and Noble opens here in town, considering launching some sort of business on my own about which I have several ideas. I want to go ten thousand different directions, and I can't. For my own sanity, I just can't.

Anyway, Leah's already been up once during the writing of this post, so I'd better roll on into bed before she gets up again. A little sleep is better than none. Thanks for listening to my whining if you've made it this far!!!!

Eight Years

A Weekend Away From It All…

This weekend was one we’d been planning for quite some time, a trip to Greensboro NC.  We had heard that our favorite author, Philip Gulley, was coming to speak at three different Friends meetings (as in the Quakers) in Greensboro and checking the map, we found it was a scant 4 1/2 hour drive away from us.  We were so excited and immediately decided we were going to make it, no matter what!

As the time drew near, we made more plans and posted to Facebook what we were planning, and Russell and Amy decided to join us.  We were SUPER excited, since we hadn’t seen them since last June for the Janet Evanovich road trip.  They wound up being the only ones who were going to be able to make it, but we didn’t mind one bit.  Russell found a hotel and we booked reservations and were ready to roll!

And then Snowmaggedon hit.  It was looking a bit dicey as to whether we’d get out of town.  But here’s the thing:  Philip Gulley has never come to the East Coast since we’ve read his books that we’ve known about and been able to go.  And I frankly would have crawled to Greensboro on my hands and knees, dragging Leah behind me in her stroller like a sled dog if I had to.  And fortunately, later in the week, the weather tamed for us and we not only decided to go on Saturday, but Michael and I elected to go a day earlier and leave on Friday.

So I called the hotel and added an extra night to our reservation, we packed up, and we headed for Greensboro.  It was extra exciting because we got to add another state to Leah’s growing roster of places she’s been.  If I’m not mistaken, on the East Coast she is only missing Maine, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.  Not bad for not even being a year old.  When we crossed the border, she woke up from a lengthy nap, so we pulled into a rest area so I could change and feed her.  I snapped a picture of the sign you see here to commemorate the event, but there was no way for me to get her in it without putting her down, and I didn’t much want to do that.  We did go into the visitor’s center and they gave us a travel guide to Greensboro, which we read and found some neat stuff to see.

Michael and I were VERY impressed with Leah overall, I have to say.  She did not squeal at all the entire trip.  It is such a difference from the baby who would scream from the time we put her in the car to the time we took her out, whether that was 2 minutes or 10 hours.  She really is growing up and learning patience!  Way to go, Leah!

Anyway, we found the hotel and unloaded some of our car and let Leah crawl around a bit and work out the kinks.  The hotel room was a standard 2 double bed bit, but we were excited to see an adjoining door and hoped Russell and Amy would be able to get into the room on the other side so that we could hang out in their room Saturday night.  We gave them an update and they gave us one as well regarding the oncoming storm that gripped the south Friday evening.  They were a bit worried about whether they’d get out or not, but we all decided to just hope for the best and pray they’d get here!

Meanwhile, we were hungry and time was growing late so Little Baby would need to go to bed.  We decided to try out the Carolina Diner, which was right down the street from the hotel.  We hit the jackpot.  Not only was the food delicious, but Leah turned out to be a real crowd pleaser.  She had half the restaurant waving to her, she was waving back to them, everyone was coming up to our table and telling us how beautiful she was and how funny and sweet and cute she was, and long story short, we got 10% off our bill PLUS we got free dessert!!!!!  If she ever learns to harness her power for good, she will enact some serious change in the world.

After dinner, we debated attending Phil’s speech that night, but we were a little road weary and we wanted to put the baby to bed, so we went back to the hotel.  We put on the Vancouver Olympics opening ceremonies, but I was a little underwhelmed and fell asleep for a while.  I managed to catch the US team march in and then fell asleep before they lit the torch.  For some reason, I woke up at 4:45 and caught a replay of the torch lighting, and then I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I turned on my cell and got a message from R&A that they were going to wait a bit to see how the weather developed. 

By 7AM, my two darlings were up and ready to roll (and very unhappy to discover it had snowed overnight!), so we decided to have breakfast at a local chain called Biscuitville, which seemed right up Michael’s alley.  He had tried a biscuit at the diner the night before and had an indecent reaction to it, so we had high hopes for Biscuitville, but overall, I’d have to say the biscuits there were just OK. 

After breakfast, we decided to do a little shopping—I had only packed one shirt for myself, since I was so excited to get out of the house, so we hit Walmart and I picked up a shirt, some treats for Leah, and a few Valentines for my Sugar Bear.  Then we decided to take Leah over to the Children’s Museum in Greensboro, since it is apparently appropriate for even infants.  (How did I ever live without my GPS, by the way?  That thing took us EVERYWHERE!)  Well, by the time we got there, both Leah and Michael were snoring.  When I pulled over, Michael woke up and we took a vote that we might as well take her back to the hotel because the more well rested she was, the better she would probably do during the speech.  So we drove all the way back to the hotel, I get her into the room, kick my shoes off, I’m kind of tired, and just as I am dozing off, she wakes up.  Figures, don’t it?  We get a text from R&A that they are on the road (we were relieved and happy they were at least going to try and make it!) so we decided to go over to Barnes and Noble to see if we could get the books for that night’s event.

In hindsight, this was one of the smartest things we decided to do.  I got the books, no problem at all, and then we went to Starbucks and I was able to connect to the wifi using my iPod.  Then we had liquid refreshments and a scone and as Leah was getting restless, I decided to take her down to the children’s area to zip around.  There wasn’t much doing in the hotel room, so I thought it might be a fun way for her to burn off some energy.  Well let me tell you!  BINGO!!!!  She crawled around until after 12 noon.  What a blast she was having!  She watched other kids run around, she followed after other kids, she found shelves of stuffed animals to knock around (which I picked up, thank you), we looked at books, she crawled everywhere, she played with trains.  It was a red-letter experience in every way possible.

We left around 12:15 and got a call from R&A that we should go ahead and have lunch without them and we would all just meet up for supper.  Michael put in a request for Zaxby’s, a chicken chain that we had been to on our visit to Savannah.  While sadly, our luck with freebies was out, Leah was the hit of the place once again. Apparently even the way she eats celery is adorable.  And you know she just ate it up—she couldn’t even be bothered to face our table, she was looking all over, waving at everyone, going absolutely crazy.  And everyone was going crazy over her in return!

We went back to the hotel to wait for R&A’s arrival, and Leah fell asleep on the way over there, so I quietly put her in bed, and then I collapsed in bed for a while myself.  Sometime around 2:30, the Savannah contingent arrived, but I missed it because I was snoring.  Around about 2:45, the vibrating of my phone woke me up and when I saw “knock knock” in the text, I sprang to my feet and opened the door, and there was Amy!!!  WOO HOO!!!  They made it!!!!!

Russell was negotiating with the front desk to get them the adjoining room, and he was successful!!!  Even better!!!!!  They came in and Leah woke up and immediately we all started catching up and admiring Leah of course and before I knew it, two and a half hours had passed.  We had all agreed to go to Steak N Shake for dinner, and so we all got ready for the evening’s festivities and headed out.  Three of the four of us got milkshakes, and we all had burgers.  They gave us a free kid’s meal with purchase, so I got Leah some applesauce and mac n cheese, neither of which she especially cared for—Leah liked throwing the noodles on the floor more than eating them.  It was about time we found something she didn’t like, right?  I had a guacamole burger, my new SnS favorite, and it was so good.  It was probably the most crowded SnS I’d ever been too, but they dished food up fast and we all had a good meal, so who can complain?

Then it was time to head to the church!!!!  We were headed for New Garden Friends Meeting, and found it with only a little trouble—I am not great at reading signs in the dark and wasn’t too sure if Russell and Amy were behind us a good part of the time, so I was pretty cautious and stuff throughout the drive.  Not to worry though, we made it all in one piece and got to the church with about 15-20 minutes to spare.  We followed the crowd in and the sanctuary was on our left.  I peeked in and there was Phil, standing there talking with some Friends, just like anything.  I got all excited and hissed in Michael’s ear, “I SEE HIM!” It was like seeing a rock star or something, I mean, we were just so excited about this whole event.

We tried to figure out how long we’ve been reading Phil’s books and we finally decided on 6 years.  Home to Harmony is one of my two favorite books of all time and all of Phil’s books have inspired me with laughter, tears, thought, and joy.  To see the person who had the power and creativity and thought to bring that entire world into life for you, it is awe-inspiring to say the least.

So, we walked into the meeting room and as we made our way to find a seat, Phil came towards us!  Now I was really getting excited.  He looked at us, and I said, “Good evening!” and put on a bright smile, which he answered back and then patted Michael’s shoulder and said, “Good evening, friend!” and kept going.  Michael said, “Was that him!?” and I said, “yes it was!” and we both had to keep from jumping up and down :)

Soon a nice man named Bob sat to Michael’s right and we got to telling him about how we drove down from Fredericksburg VA and he asked where we were staying and we said in a hotel and he offered us that next time we come, he and his wife run a sort of underground B&B and we’d be welcome to stay with them.  I’d be lying if I said this sort of generous spirit was a fluke—every single Quaker we met greeted us with such warmth and generosity.  And we were total strangers there and admitted to not being Quakers and they did not care.  I was so inspired by them, I cannot begin to explain how profoundly our experience amongst the Friends affected me.

Eventually, the presentation got underway and Phil was introduced and talked about his new book, If the Church Were Christian.  There are 10 different chapters in the book and he discussed the first two, entitled If the Church Were Christian, Jesus would be a model of living rather than an object of worship and If the Church were Christian, affirming our potential would be more important than condemning our brokenness.  Unfortunately by now, Leah had had quite enough, and I missed out on some of the presentation, but I caught most of it, and I cannot wait to dive into this book.  I honestly felt as though he had written this book for me and was addressing directly thoughts that I’ve had and never shared with anyone.

And I know I was not alone in so feeling.

Eventually Amy came out and relieved me for a while, but I could hear Leah screaming from way down the hall, so during the Q&A session, I went and got Leah back from her and kept her quiet until the talk was over.  I knew she was just worn out from her busy day and she had only taken a 45 minute nap and refused any further rest, so she couldn’t help it one bit.  Amy and I went back in the hall to retrieve the men and I gave Russell my camera so he could catch a family shot of us with Phil.  We followed Phil and his crowd of admirers down the aisle and just as it was our turn, a woman came to him and said he had to come into the hallway to start signing books!  But he gave us his time very generously (I think Leah put the eye on him!) and so we asked him if we could take a picture and he was happy to do it.

Then we followed him out and he signed our beloved and much read copy of Home to Harmony and the two copies of the new book I had picked up earlier in the day.  Bob had told everyone before the speech that we had driven down from Washington DC, so Phil thanked us for making the trip and we said that we would see him again tomorrow, because you can bet your butt I was not going to miss an opportunity to witness Phil as a pastor.  Russell got his book signed and then we were done for the evening.

When we left, I was all aglow, it was such a great experience already.  I asked Russell what he thought and all he could do was nod his head.  Words, honestly, were meaningless in the face of such an important message (or at least to me, they were not necessary!).

We stopped off at Sheetz on the way back to stock up on refreshments and by the time we were back at the hotel, Leah was out cold.  She didn’t budge when I pulled her out of the car seat, much less when I put her in her crib.  We went over to Russell and Amy’s room to talk about the events of the evening and it was just so affirming to talk religion and other sensitive topics with people who had no room for judgment of me, me of them, all of us asked questions, listened to each other’s stories and feelings, it was quite wonderful.  Unfortunately, having been up since 4:45, I was totally spent, and so I crapped out at 11:20 and went to bed.  I could have sat up all night, but driving’s demon head was leering at me for Sunday…

This morning we got up early (again I couldn’t sleep past 4:45) and when R&A were ready, we went out to IHOP for breakfast.  After lots of pancakes, coffee, eggs, hash browns, and more were consumed, we went back and checked out of the hotel and hauled ourselves down to First Friends Meeting in Greensboro, where Phil would be delivering the 11:00 message.  I had never been to a Quaker meeting before and was determined to make the most of it.  I read in the bulletin that there was childcare available, so with my heart in my throat, I decided to put Leah in the nursery so I could enjoy the service and listen to Phil’s message uninterrupted.  Holy cow were the girls in the nursery nice!!! I was introduced to them and their children and they took Leah and told me not to worry about a thing!  I don’t think she even noticed as I walked away, and I didn’t hear any screaming when I went back to the meeting hall, so I took it as a good sign indeed.

The meeting started and it was a lot of singing and a lot of time for quiet contemplation.  They had a segment where the children’s class filed in and talked about what they were doing for church school.  Then I got really nervous, because they brought in all the young children, and there was Leah right in front of us!  But she could not have cared less about where we were, she was fascinated by all the other children and the banks they had made to collect money for Haiti.  Then the minister handed around quarters for the children’s banks and even gave Leah a quarter, and you can imagine what she did with it:  yup!  right in her mouth!  Fortunately they got her to put in a bank.  Then the kids left and went back to the nursery or Sunday school, and the service continued.  When it was time for Phil’s message, I was totally enchanted.  He speaks very much like he writes, with much humor and grace.  The topic was “A Quaker Future” and honestly, I cried—the message really had a universal appeal, which was great since I know nothing about being a Quaker.

It was all over too soon.  The service ended, there was a talk back session afterwards, but we decided not to stay for that as we really were anxious to get on the road.  I went and retrieved Leah from the nursery, where I was informed she was the happiest baby in the world!!!!  She didn’t especially want to leave with me, she seemed to be having a heck of a good time.  But eventually I pried her away from the loving arms of the nursery worker, Leigh Ann, and went back to the chaos of the meeting room.  People were leaving, people were moving forward, and my party of three was waiting for me to come back so we could head out. We were swarmed by people who remembered us from the night before, asking if we had really driven down from Washington DC just to come to the meeting and meet Phil, people who wanted to admire Leah (who ate it up, may I say, the kid is an absolute rock star, I am not exaggerating in the least!), people who just wanted to welcome us.  It was the most welcome I had ever felt in a church, certainly in my adult life anyway.  There was no awkwardness, no sense of not literally being among friends.  I was ready to sell the house and move to Greensboro, honestly.

Finally the legions of fans cleared a bit and I put Leah on the pew to put her coat on when I felt an arm around my shoulder and heard, “Thank you again for making that drive all the way down here just to see me.”  I looked up and it was Phil, giving me a hug.  I about wet my pants.  I think I said something about how much we enjoyed it, how moved I had been, and I picked Leah up and he asked if he could hold her.  Well of course!!!!  I handed her right over, and I think it was an instant love for both of them :-)  I wish I had had my camera handy, it is an image burned into my brain, Phil smiling brightly at Leah, Leah kind of looking at him like, “Yes, that’s right, adore me!”  It was such a special moment as a reader and a mom, the two great passions in my life intersecting like that.

He handed her back to me and we said goodbye and then he went over to Michael and thanked him also for coming and either shook his hand or grabbed his shoulder, I’m not sure which.  And then he had to turn his attention to his talk-back and I had to turn mine to remembering how to breathe.

So that’s how we left Greensboro.  (Michael and I would both like to go back and explore the actual town—we enjoyed our time there a lot!)  We soon parted ways  with Russell and Amy and headed home.  Leah was completely knocked out, so we didn’t stop for the first 4 hours of the trip because she was asleep.  We did finally stop when she woke up and wanted some food, so spent our Valentine’s Day dinner eating at a McDonald’s somewhere between Richmond and Petersburg.  Leah wasn’t too happy to be put back in the car afterwards, but she made it home with only a few little squeals.

And I will now unpack and head off to bed.  It was an amazing, amazing weekend of friendship and love and I am so glad Russell and Amy made it and we didn’t miss each other due to snow.  I don’t know how to express how happy it made me to get a little hug from such a great and genuine man I have long admired, to hear what he had to say and to relate to it so deeply and personally.

It was such a wonderful Valentine’s weekend and memories I’ll carry with me for a lifetime.  Thanks to everyone who made it possible.

A Blizzard of Happiness

So yesterday was the big blizzard, and I admit, I scoffed.  I really thought all those weathermen were getting their panties in a bunch over a whole lot of nothing, again.  I went to the store, yes, but all I got were ingredients for cookies.  I didn’t stock up on tuna and TP or anything like that.  I just got the essentials for baking and went home.

However, it turns out they were right.  There was a doozy of a storm yesterday, you may have heard.  And we got A PILE of snow.  I don’t know if weather affects babies the way it affects animals, but let me tell you, my baby was CRANKY yesterday.  So I stuffed her up in the office with her father and I baked.  Because really, what else is there to do?

I made a bunch of different kinds of cookies—chocolate raspberry bars, regular raspberry bars, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, and Santa’s thumbprints (Hershey Kiss cookies).  Cookies galore!  They covered every inch of our table and a good part of the counters.  I tried not to make too much of a mess on account of the fact that I had just cleaned up the kitchen in a big way and I didn’t want to mess it all up again. 

So we got to 6:00 last night, the computer, Nintendo, reading, and Christmas music had all lost their appeal.  So I grabbed some cookie tins I’d gotten at Walmart a few weeks ago, loaded them up with goodies, topped each with a bow and a card, bundled up my family, and we headed out.

Let me tell you people something, it is NOT easy to guide a blind person in 14 inches of snow when you yourself are not exactly sure what you are stepping into.  Our neighbors all live in pretty good proximity to us, we weren’t walking that far, but darn it, it was HARD GOING.  I had a bag of cookie tins and Leah on one arm and Mike on the other.  I very nearly had second thoughts about the entire enterprise.

But we made it to the first house, our neighbors Jett and Mary Katherine.  Jett has been Michael’s back up chauffeur and also has helped us around the house when things break, most recently with my toilet which decided to run continuously.  Mary Katherine’s son Michael opened the door, and his look of surprise that anyone was dumb enough to be out in that weather was only the first of several such looks we got :0D  I said, “Merry Christmas!  We’re delivering cookies!” and handed him some cookies.  He invited us in, but we didn’t go further than the foyer, because we were covered in snow.  He hollered down to Jett and MK, who came up to see who the heck was dumb enough to be out in that weather, and SURPRISE!  It was us :-)  Leah was quickly liberated from my arms to play “Let’s make faces in the mirror” and we chatted and discussed the snow, the toilet, the possibility of no work on Monday, if our neighbor is going to plow us out, etc.  I had never spoken with Mary Katherine other than to say “Hi!” or “Good morning!” so it was nice to visit and get to know her better as well as meet her son and chat with Jett (yeah, we’ve lived here 4+ years, your point is??).

So we soon headed off and went across the street.  We were going to stop in at Peggy and Jim’s, as Jim always plows us out when it snows, but there didn’t seem to be any lights on and since I have never met either of them, we figured we’d go directly across the street to the Slacks’ house and see if they could tell us if they thought Peggy and Jim would be up and we could visit.  Fortunately, Manfred (Mr. Slack) had shoveled, so his driveway and front walk were much easier to navigate for us.  We rang the bell and waited a few minutes and all of a sudden Manfred peered out at us in shock!  Same “Merry Christmas!  We brought cookies!” routine and he invited us in as well.  He called his wife Bobbie upstairs, and we visited with them and their grandchildren Summer and Wade who had been over to spend the night on Friday and were stranded there till probably today.  Wade entertained Leah as we got to know the Slacks better—we learned how they met, they learned how we met, chatted about work, travel, etc.  We were there for a good bit, but it was getting close to bedtime for Leah, so we didn’t want to overstay.  We inquired about next door, but Bobbie said they probably wouldn’t answer, so if Jim comes over and plows us out today, I will snag him and give him his cookies.  Otherwise, I’ll put them in their mailbox!

We said adieu and headed to the final house of the evening, our neighbors Aaron and Jeannie.  Aaron is Michael’s chief chauffeur.  We rang the bell and it took a few minutes but eventually Jeannie peeked out and was surprised!  She opened the door and I handed her their tin with my “Merry Christmas!  We brought cookies!” speech and she invited us in so she could play with Leah for a bit.  Aaron was actually out back in his workshop, so Mike tried calling him but there was no answer.  He did finally come in, but Leah was freaking out.  It was 8:00, an hour past her bedtime and she was totally over the Christmas spirit.  So we met Jeannie’s son and then we bundled Leah back into her snowsuit and came home.  I fed Leah and changed her for bed and she was asleep in about 30 seconds.  At which point, doesn’t the phone ring?

Well, it was Scott, the kid who cuts our grass and lives behind us.  He wanted to talk to Michael and turns out, he wanted to come over to do some computer stuff.  So Michael told him to come on over!  So I quickly fixed a plate for Scott and his family, wrote out a card, and slapped a bow on it, and when he and Michael were geeked out, I sent him home with a treat from the Kosiors.

We are extremely fortunate to have such nice people who live near us and it was such a nice way to spend a snowy evening, visiting everyone getting to know them.  No one turned us away or didn’t invite us in, we really enjoyed ourselves.  It was absolutely the perfect, perfect Christmas thing to do.  Maybe we’ll do it again next year—no, we WILL do it again next year.  I’ve always had an image of suburbia where all the neighbors were friendly and meeting at the mailbox for chatter, etc.  While that hasn’t been the case here and probably isn’t the case anywhere except on TV, the neighborhood did get a little smaller and a whole lot warmer for us last night. 

Let’s hope it doesn’t take a blizzard for it to happen again.

Acceptance... Maybe

I'm going through a bit of a phase right now. Looking over all the stuff I have accumulated (yes, I, Michael isn't much of a packrat), I am ready to get rid of about half the stuff we own. I really think I could do it. I feel like the house is bursting at the seams. Collections of things I thought I would like to start and never finished are hanging around, as are things people gave me as part of existing collections that aren't to my taste.

One of the main areas that has been bugging me lately is the cabinet under my sink in the bathroom. I can never find anything. The other day I needed a bandaid and rather than search through the rubble, I just went to the store and bought a box. So last night, I just opened the cabinet up, pulled over the trash can and started emptying.

It was easy at first, an empty glass jar, expired medicines, dried up nail polish, bits of paper. But then, in the very back, I came upon two boxes and I froze. A home pregnancy kit and an ovulation kit. I had started a handwritten diary when we were given the all clear from the doctor to go ahead and try, and I've long since lost that (thankfully), but those pink boxes were staring me in the face. They are the last concrete pieces of a dream that was not meant to be, and I was holding them in my hand, preparing to throw them away.

I was at a social gathering this week with a friend who has been struggling to conceive for a while and to whom I had given some adoption advice. She recently found out that her health insurance will cover several procedures that might allow them to conceive a child, so they are putting adoption on the back burner while they pursue those avenues. My sister was with me, and my friend asked her if she had been planning on Baby #2 so soon and my sister honestly replied, "No, not at all, we didn't want any more." My friend turned to me and said, "Don't you hate people like that?"

Yes.

I can't lie. It's true. It's not that I hate people like that, I hate that it's so easy for some people, and for me it was impossible. I hate listening to women complain about their pregnancies. It still hurts every time someone tells me they're expecting or planning to get pregnant again knowing it will be just that easy to do the deed a time or two and bang! Nine months later, a baby. (And I know full well that for some of my friends it is not that easy at all, so no hate mail please!) I hate all that Michael and I went through the true extent of which I don't think anyone will ever know, and that at the end of the day, I am sitting on the bathroom floor holding the last test strips I didn't use, crying my eyes out.

Our adoption journey has been nothing short of miraculous. I would not trade my daughter for any child on the face of this Earth. I love her with a fierceness that terrifies me. But if I'm totally honest, a part of me will always wonder what a biological child of mine would have looked like. (And not what some computer generated model of a child of mine would have looked like, but thanks for playing!) I wonder what my experience of carrying a child would have been like. Would I have loved it or hated it? What would childbirth have been like? Would I have tried hypnobirthing, hydrobirthing, or straight drugs?

I threw the tests in the trash and dried my eyes. Today I will drive them to the dump. I know I will feel like a weight has been lifted once they're gone, which is funny because I didn't even know they were there. I'm ready to move on. I think.

Breton Point 2009

Breton Point is my favorite place on Earth. When I die, please scatter my ashes there. Thanks.

An Evening With Spinal Tap

Last night, Michael and I went out for a BIG date. We've gone out a couple of times for an hour or two, but last night we were excited to go to Washington DC for dinner and a concert. We were heading to see Unwigged and Unplugged at the Warner Theater as our ultimate destination. After discussion about Metro, parking, food, etc. we decided to really make a night of it and drive into town, park, have a nice meal, enjoy the show, and go home. Because I haven't been to Washington since December, I was in a bit of a state over planning our night on the town once the decision was made. However, I must give the Warner Theater's website its due. That site has it all--directions, nearby restaurants, parking, etc. Turns out it's blind friendly too! I read through the nearby restaurants section and the words "Washington's authentic British Pub" caught my eye. I sent the suggestion over to Michael, who hopped onto the Warner website and agreed it sounded like just the ticket.

So it was settled. I picked him up at 4:00 at Quantico and we headed to Washington. There was a slight glitch with Jane (our GPS) who was under the impression we were at the Naval Surface Warfare Center or something, but she quickly righted herself and we were off! We got to Washington before 5:00 and found a parking space by some miracle, and so we decided then and there to take our time over dinner. We selected Elephant and Castle as our dining location, and it was exactly two blocks from the theater. When we arrived, the sun was shining and we decided to dine on the patio! It's been so nice to be able to get out into the open air--Leah's spent the last 3 or 4 days out on our front porch taking in the good clean open air and we've taken lots of walks. Michael and I are well aware that summer is quickly approaching and that means a lot more indoors time, so we are getting it in while we can!

We ordered a short appetizer of potato skins, and then my main entree arrived--stuffed Yorkshire pudding, hell yes! (I actually wanted to type "stuffed Yorkshire pudding, bitches!" but I don't want any of you to take offense :-D) Oh my God, was it good. It was not as good as the Yorkshire pudding that my mom and I make, but it was pretty freakin' fantastic Yorkshire pudding nonetheless. Is there even such a thing as a bad Yorkshire pudding? Doubtful. Michael got the Union Jack pub burger, and he said it was awesome. The mashed potatoes with my meal were real--they had big chunks of actual potato in them, and Michael thought his fries had been fresh cut. We were in heaven. We took our time eating. It's a very popular place and a lot of people who seem to be very impressed with themselves were eating there. But we were seated under a lovely tall tree and I don't think we would have noticed if the President himself had shown up, honestly.

After our main dish, a wind kicked up and I got a little chilly, so I asked our excellent waiter Chris if they had hot tea and he brought me a cup of English breakfast tea. Michael got a cup of coffee and then we decided to get some dessert to kill some more time, so I got an apple berry crumble and he got cheesecake. Yeah, we were totally living it up. I don't know (apart from the Melting Pot) the last time he and I lingered over dinner for two solid hours. It felt like such a luxury to reconnect. We did both admit to missing Leah and we phoned home once during the meal, but my father-in-law told us everything was just dandy and not to worry about a thing.

So, after supper we gathered up our things and went back to the theater. We went up to Will Call and got our tickets and then the security guard suggested we stay in the lobby so that we didn't get trampled when the doors opened. Everyone else had to wait outside!!! Talk about the VIP treatment!!! It was AWESOME! They opened up the main doors about 5 minutes later and then I decided to make one final trip to the ladies room and they let me use the main level restrooms instead of going downstairs because I had Michael with me! VIP treatment!!! A private bathroom!!! LUXURY! :-)

The ushers couldn't have been more helpful and we got to our seats. We were in row B, seats 2 and 4, smack dab on the aisle, so close to the stage we could just about taste it. When you request ADA seating, typically you get put in the back where a wheelchair can just pull up, but we got this wonderful, wonderful seating right in the front of the theater. I'm telling you, these were the best seats I've ever had to any show or concert, bar none.

The show kicked off around 8:15. It was supposed to be no photography, but tons of people were taking pictures, so I snuck a couple myself. Due to the fact I didn't want to draw attention to my clandestine activities, I turned off the flash and kept the camera low. So sorry about the dude's head in front of me. But you can see how close we were!



They played a huge variety of songs, mostly from Spinal Tap and A Mighty Wind. I didn't know a lot of the songs, I've only seen Spinal Tap once, but I greatly enjoyed it, and I enjoyed the hell out of the stuff from A Mighty Wind. They did a brief Q&A session with the audience, during which we learned that Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy are now working to turn Waiting for Guffman into a Broadway show. I'm not so sure how it'll work, but I'll be interested to see what they do!

They are all tremendously witty, I'm sure that goes without saying, and there was lots of laughter and humor in the show. They made a special video themselves for the Stonehenge song, during which some Troll dolls "danced" around a miniature Stonehenge. They showed a couple of user submitted videos of their songs--one by some dude Reverend Stevie in Perth, Australia and another with the song being sung by Lego people--I have now seen a Lego mosh pit, and it is as cool as you think it could be.

Annette O'Toole (Michael McKean's wife) came out and sang a couple of songs as well, and then it was winding down. They did 2 encores, however, and when they sang "Old Joe's Place", the place went wild. The entire audience yelled "Ea a Oe's" at the appropriate place and then everyone busted up laughing. It was so great. It looked for a minute like they'd do a third encore, but they didn't, and the lights came back on so we headed out. We got home around 11:30 to a couple of rather harried grandparents--Leah gets into little fits at night. She's a perfect angel all day, but at night she kind of goes a little bonkers. Well, they hadn't seen bonkers baby, only angel baby, so I think they were glad we made it back! But they had done an excellent job putting her to sleep, so it was a grateful me who got to sleep all night.

What a great evening and what a treat to see these guys perform live! We left with great big grins on our faces. The Guest mockumentaries are something we've enjoyed since very early on in our marriage, and so it was kind of special to see these guys in person.

Here are a few more pictures! Again, sorry these are blurry--no flash and all of them dancing around, it was hard to get great pictures! (Oh and Harry Shearer kept looking the other way, so I never did get a really great one of him, but I've met him before, so I guess I can live with my disappointment!)