Final Book for Twenty Ten

As the month of November was winding down, I was getting increasingly desperate to find something to read that I could finish quickly and get done with the TwentyTen Challenge.  Finally, I went over to my shelf of TBR’s, the only category I had left, and decided to pick out the absolute shortest book I could find and read it.  That book happened to be a book called something like It’s Not What It Seems or something like that, a book about a brother and sister whose father moves out on their mother to go write the great American novel.  They spend their summer opening and running their own restaurant.  Anyway, it wasn’t that great a book—obviously if I can’t even remember the title—and I wound up tossing the book in my recycle bin.  I went back to the drawing board because I really wouldn’t have much to blog about that book and found Lois Lowry’s Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye.  I had a sneaking suspicion I’d have a lot to say about this book, and I think I was right.

(WARNING:  This review is downright chock-full of spoilers!)

First, I will offer up the summary from the back of the book:

Natalie has everything—beauty, a loving family, a terrific boyfriend, and an entrance to the college of her choice.  But she is haunted by a missing link in her life—who is the mother who gave her up when she was only a few days old?

The summer she is seventeen, Natalie decides to find out who were her natural parents and what has happened to them.  Old newspapers and a high school yearbook yield clues that start to unravel the mystery of her past.  From a small town in Maine to New York City, Natalie’s search leads to anger, hope, even love—and finally a confrontation with her real mother.

Ok.  So of course as an adoptive mother myself, I take issue with the wording that Natalie is off to find her real mother.  But seeing as the book was written in 1978, I’m willing to give it a bit of a pass.  Although people still ask me if I’ve heard from Leah’s real mother even now, so I guess I’m just the artificial substitute.

Anyway, the book was fairly compelling reading, and I’ve ready many of Lowry’s books in my youth and greatly enjoyed them.  I guess this one touched on some of my own fears as an adoptive mother.  If you happen to be new to my blog, here’s a picture of me and my precious daughter, Leah:

She’s African-American, and I’m Caucasian.  There’s no denying the fact, even if I wanted to, that she’s adopted.  (For the record, I wouldn’t want to, I’m proud of the fact that we were chosen to adopt her from all the parents who could have been hers. )

To give credit where credit is due, Lowry’s fictional adoptive parents also make no secret of the fact that their daughter was adopted.  When Natalie approaches them to ask if they will give her information to go on her search, they take months to come to terms with the idea that Natalie wants to go in search of her “real mother”.  I hope and pray that if Leah comes to me, she doesn’t use that terminology.  My husband and I have chosen to have an open relationship with Leah’s birthmother (a phrase which even now, only a year after our adoption has been finalized, is I do believe going out of fashion in favor), and we love her very much, but it would break my heart to hear Leah refer to someone else as her “real mother”.  It’s bad enough when other people ask me that question!

Natalie’s parents finally relent, despite the hurt they feel, and provide Natalie with all the documents they have regarding her adoption—basically a letter from an attorney.  From that point, Natalie is able to go to the town where she was born and piece together her past. 

It does not hurt that Natalie is a spitting image of her birthmother.  It does not hurt that this was taking place in the 70’s and Natalie was able to phone people and say, “I’m an old friend of Julie’s!  Can you tell me where to get in touch with her?” and she was given tons of information and phone numbers.

What really got me is that Julie, Natalie’s birthmother, is a fashion model who lives in a fabulous home on New York City’s Upper East Side with her husband and two sons.  I genuinely would have preferred a book that touched on a more realistic scenario and not one that somehow indicates perhaps that giving up an infant when you are a child yourself will somehow allow you to catapult into a world of wealth and fame.  (Props to Lowry for making Julie a pregnant teen—in today’s world of MTV’s Teen Moms, it would be refreshing to see more teens selflessly giving their children a life that ultimately they have little hope of being able to provide during their own adolescence.)

Julie reluctantly agrees to meet Natalie at the Russian Tea Room and attempts to get Natalie to join the world of high fashion modeling.  Then abruptly, she stands up and strolls out of their lunch, only to call Natalie the next day and have her over to the house to meet her half brothers.

For all that she wanted to find and all that she did find, Natalie is ultimately glad that her family is her family, but that she did uncover the secrets of her past.

What Leah will discover when she asks us about her own background is very different from Natalie’s discoveries.  I hope that like Natalie, Leah will remain true to herself and follow her own dreams, whether they be to know her family of origin or not to, whether they be to have some sort of relationship with her birthmother or not.  She will always have me there for her, no matter what she chooses and how it turns out.

Here are a few of my “rules” for people inquiring about our adoption.  I hope they come in handy if someone in your life is adopting or has been adopted.

1.  Please don’t ask about an adoptee’s “real parents”.  As I’ve said before, this is insulting to us.  We have bandaged her scrapes, we have gotten up with her every night, we have fed her and clothed her, we’ve tickled her and tucked her in, we’ve hugged and kissed away the tears and aches and pains, and celebrated every milestone in her 19 months with her.  To indicate that we are somehow not her “real” parents does us a disservice.  In having to defend ourselves about being her “real” parents, we feel we must then do a disservice to the beautiful and brave young woman who made what I can assure you was a heart-breaking choice to ask us to parent her child for her in a way she could not. 

2.  Please do not ask an adoptee or their family why his/her mother “did not want her.”  I can assure you that wanting her never was a factor in the equation.  Leah was wanted by her birthmother very much.  The reasons she chose to give Leah up for adoption and the reasons she chose us to parent her are intensely personal for her and for us.  I can tell you that she loves Leah with every fiber of her being.  She did what she felt was best at the time, and it was never an issue of “wanting”.  I feel confident that for 99.99999999999999% of birthparents out there, it is the same.

3.  Please do not inquire about an adoptee’s family of origin’s background, but if you do, do not expect to get all the minute details.  On our part, our families and close friends know as much as we care to share.  There are some things I wish I hadn’t shared, I can say honestly.  We know as much of the story as Leah’s birthmother chose to share with her, and we shared as much of that with our loved ones as we felt comfortable.  It would be unfair to share everything. It is not our story to tell.

4.  If you do have information that a family has disclosed to you or that you may have gleaned from other sources somehow, please do not give that information to the adoptee unless asked.  Again, using our family as an example, we will let  Leah make her own choices about what and how much she wants to know, and she will do it in her own time.  She may choose to know everything, she may choose not to know one single thing.  It is only right and fair that she should hear it from us and from her birthmother, and from no one else.  Even a slip of the tongue could cause unintentional pain if Leah were to overhear words that were unkind, untrue, or she didn’t want to know certain information.

5.  Finally, be loud and proud of the adoption, the adoptee, and the adoptive family!  Don’t treat the adoptee any differently.  Truly no better and no worse.  When I look at Leah, I see my daughter.  I do believe that when my parents and my husband’s parents look at her, they see their granddaughter.    I don’t think she gets any preferential treatment to my nephews or my niece, and I don’t think she is treated less well than they are.  This is all I could hope for—her true acceptance into our family.  Help make that a reality in your home too!  Don’t whisper, “he’s adopted” when you think you’re out of earshot of the adoptive family—it sounds like something you’re ashamed of or something that should be kept quiet or secretive.  When you hear others expressing doubt over adoption, share your family’s positive experiences, whether you are an adoptee, you have adopted, or a member of your family has adopted a child.

Ok, stepping off my soapbox now.  So I am DONE DONE DONE with the TwentyTen Book Challenge.  For the record, here are the books I read and each of the categories they fit into:

Young Adult:
13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnston
Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin

TBR:
Those Who Save Us by Jenna Blum
Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye by Lois Lowry

New in 2010:
Sizzling Sixteen by Janet Evanovich
Miss Julia Renews Her Vows by Ann B. Ross

Shiny and New:
Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout
Someday My Prince Will Come by Jerramy Fine

Bad Bloggers
Moloka’i by Alan Brennert
Found II by Davy Rothbart

Charity
When Katie Wakes by Connie May Fowler
Leftovers by Laura Weiss

Older Than You:
Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susanne
Galahad at Blandings by P.G. Wodehouse

Win! Win!
Secrets from the Vinyl Café by Stuart McLean
Never Change by Elizabeth Berg

“Who Are You Again?”
Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict by Laurie Viera Riegler
The Leisure Seeker by Michael Zadoorian

Up to You!
Crackhouse by Terry Williams
Dear Diary by Lesley Arfin

Acceptance... Maybe

I'm going through a bit of a phase right now. Looking over all the stuff I have accumulated (yes, I, Michael isn't much of a packrat), I am ready to get rid of about half the stuff we own. I really think I could do it. I feel like the house is bursting at the seams. Collections of things I thought I would like to start and never finished are hanging around, as are things people gave me as part of existing collections that aren't to my taste.

One of the main areas that has been bugging me lately is the cabinet under my sink in the bathroom. I can never find anything. The other day I needed a bandaid and rather than search through the rubble, I just went to the store and bought a box. So last night, I just opened the cabinet up, pulled over the trash can and started emptying.

It was easy at first, an empty glass jar, expired medicines, dried up nail polish, bits of paper. But then, in the very back, I came upon two boxes and I froze. A home pregnancy kit and an ovulation kit. I had started a handwritten diary when we were given the all clear from the doctor to go ahead and try, and I've long since lost that (thankfully), but those pink boxes were staring me in the face. They are the last concrete pieces of a dream that was not meant to be, and I was holding them in my hand, preparing to throw them away.

I was at a social gathering this week with a friend who has been struggling to conceive for a while and to whom I had given some adoption advice. She recently found out that her health insurance will cover several procedures that might allow them to conceive a child, so they are putting adoption on the back burner while they pursue those avenues. My sister was with me, and my friend asked her if she had been planning on Baby #2 so soon and my sister honestly replied, "No, not at all, we didn't want any more." My friend turned to me and said, "Don't you hate people like that?"

Yes.

I can't lie. It's true. It's not that I hate people like that, I hate that it's so easy for some people, and for me it was impossible. I hate listening to women complain about their pregnancies. It still hurts every time someone tells me they're expecting or planning to get pregnant again knowing it will be just that easy to do the deed a time or two and bang! Nine months later, a baby. (And I know full well that for some of my friends it is not that easy at all, so no hate mail please!) I hate all that Michael and I went through the true extent of which I don't think anyone will ever know, and that at the end of the day, I am sitting on the bathroom floor holding the last test strips I didn't use, crying my eyes out.

Our adoption journey has been nothing short of miraculous. I would not trade my daughter for any child on the face of this Earth. I love her with a fierceness that terrifies me. But if I'm totally honest, a part of me will always wonder what a biological child of mine would have looked like. (And not what some computer generated model of a child of mine would have looked like, but thanks for playing!) I wonder what my experience of carrying a child would have been like. Would I have loved it or hated it? What would childbirth have been like? Would I have tried hypnobirthing, hydrobirthing, or straight drugs?

I threw the tests in the trash and dried my eyes. Today I will drive them to the dump. I know I will feel like a weight has been lifted once they're gone, which is funny because I didn't even know they were there. I'm ready to move on. I think.

Now We Are Three

Leah Katherine was born this morning at 3:56AM. She weighs 7 pounds 11 ounces and is 20 inches long. This is our first family photo. It was love at first sight.

Yard Saling

This Saturday is our first attempt at holding a yard sale since moving here. We are attempting to raise some much needed capital for the adoption fees. I don't know how the hell we're going to get it all set up--we have a bunch of junk already and no real tables or anything to put stuff on. Judy and Lucas will be coming down to help out with it, but if anyone else is free on Saturday and wants to take pity on me, please feel free to drop over :) And also if you have any "stuff" you want to get rid of and don't mind donating, please let me know. You can either bring it over or I can try to pick it up tomorrow or Wednesday. I'll be in Fairfax tomorrow and Wednesday mornings and in Fredericksburg tomorrow and Wednesday evenings. Thursday evening I am committed to picking up a futon and mattress from Judy and Lucas's place, thus signaling the end of my Sunday stayovers, as "my" bed is up for sale on Saturday and I'll have nowhere to sleep over there. The end of an era... Sad, but happy...

Anyway, anything we don't sell will be offered on Freecycle first and then we'll donate whatever's left to the local Hospice thrift store. So your goodies and mine will all go to a great cause regardless of what happens to it!

The sale is Saturday from 9:00AM till ???

(X-Posted to BRB blog)

Adoption Update: Starting the Ball Rolling

The General and I attended an adoption 101 seminar in Richmond in June. We wanted to learn about the different types of adoption and hopefully meet some other people that were in the same boat as us.

It was a really great seminar, sponsored by RESOLVE, a national infertility resource center. We met other couples, social workers, an attorney, etc. and got tons of information and were able to make some decisions about how to proceed.

Ultimately, we've decided on a domestic adoption. The tides are turning against the US internationally, for reasons that I can't necessarily say I disagree with. Add in the fact that we're overweight and one of us has a disability, and it seemed like domestic adoption was the way to go. I spoke with a social worker while we were at the seminar, and got her card. I emailed her when we got back about getting the ball rolling when we got back from The Wedding, and we spoke on the phone this morning.

In other words, we're getting started. She's sending us some documentation to get ready and she'll be here to visit us on July 25th. Lara has sent me a copy of her homestudy and some books to read--one of which I devoured already--and it helped us understand what to expect and what to have prepared.

So, there are some things to do before Beth arrives.

The main one is to totally and completely gut the bunny room. TomTom on his own is a very clean rabbit. He's litter trained for peeing in a litter box, he keeps his food in his cage, etc. However, at one point, we were housing 5 rabbits in there, and he got a little territorial. And before I had the bunnies trained, they laid waste to the room. The carpet needs to be torn up. The walls need a good scrubbing. We need new flooring and to touch up the trim and closet doors.

We're starting this weekend.

If anyone out there has any experience installing laminate flooring or is interested in helping with painting, I'd love to hear from you :-) I will happily offer you compensation in the form of pizza and beer. You can drop me an email at s u s a n k ( a t ) m k o s i o r ( d o t ) c o m.

I am excited and terrified... But after 6 years of uncertainty, it feels so good to take a step forward.

I don't think I have it within me to start another new blog, so this blog will be your chief source of information for the latest. And thank you so much to all who have lent their ears, tissues, and support over the past 3 months. It has really meant the world to me.